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Fallen by ~doomit:icondoomit:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Gothic


Defeated in a breath
.
We have defeated you
the lone crusader
there is nothing
left
.
I see the smoldering ashes
45,000 dead
in a ambush
that took decades
.
We took the adults first
moved up to the children
we aren't discriminating
anything...
.
My mother, father, sister, brother,
grand mother, friends, Family!
all taken over
given to the ashes
.
buried alongside those who have fallen
with brave hearts
and stronger wills
then those losing themselves
.
I haven't lost
myself
in the smoke
and fire
.
by lw end -<>
©2002-2009 ~doomit
:icondoomit:

Author's Comments

I hope to win this war
against the slowest killer

-doomit

Daily Deviation

Given 2002-02-04

Reading this work is like seeing your first love again after many years. Fallen by doomit takes words and crafts them into a tool to pierce the heart and soul. Stirring, stunning and emotional. Selected by `faithwalker. (Featured by ^devart)

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconorbital:
`orbital Feb 3, 2002, 3:42:54 PM
Crying -sigh-

This hurts to read. :( (Sad)
I'm sorry... It must hurt to write.


-orb Crying
:iconfaithwalker:
`faithwalker Feb 3, 2002, 3:52:30 PM
What is the sound of a closed mouth, loose on it's oiled hinges?

Beautiful!

faithwalker
:icondismarum:
`dismarum Feb 3, 2002, 7:22:08 PM
Dark and mournful...very expressive...this makes me feel...

Dismarum -
~You've been good...have a Cookie ...~

:icondreamz13:
`dreamz13 Feb 4, 2002, 5:48:44 AM
That's just too powerful and the sadness overcomes me like a tidal wave. Congrats.


http://dreamz13.deviantart.com
:iconpwca:
~pwca Feb 4, 2002, 6:37:58 AM
this is one of the most touching pieces i've read in a long time... it reaches internally....twists around a little...and leaves me feeling sooo alone!! Very moving. Great work!


./pwca
Subject: mykeyboard
CouldIgetanotherkeyboard?Myspacebarseems tobebroken.
:icontax-chan:
~tax-chan Feb 4, 2002, 7:53:15 AM
I like it- very nicely worded, has anice flow ^^V

UFO I have space aliens in my basement UFO
:iconari-es:
~ari-es Feb 4, 2002, 9:01:52 AM
This is the first poem on Deviant Art that I've HAD TO comment on...

This is an awsome piece of writing... There's something in here that I think will give something different to every person that reads it... Beautiful! Thanks!

| |
:icon-rich-:
~-rich- Feb 4, 2002, 11:06:35 AM
It's a sensitive subject to touch upon, and I can see it was truly felt in the way it was written, but I feel it could have been more. Yes, nearly everything could be more than it is, but given the subject there is no benifit of the doubt here. Still a nice job ..

:iconjohnayanami:
~johnayanami Feb 4, 2002, 11:47:26 AM
The imagery here is powerful, and it most certainly moves the soul. Words like ashes, lost, crusader, ambush - all are powerful words that really strike at you.

What I didn't like was the broken pattern with this piece. The words seemed to have no structure - all this feels like is just emotion flowing out. The choppy, random-length lines really destroy any kind of flow this poem could have at all.

Yes, I understand the subject material, and I realize that the topic we are dealing with is broken - it leaves you broken and destroyed. However, in a poem when the structure cannot match the words - when it does not fit with the natural progress of the poem, I feel that the poem loses something.

Again - great use of words, powerful imagery - but work on getting more of a coherent structure flowing rather than these broken lines.
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